That S word.

STRESSSSSSSSSS. 

*Disclaimer: Not light reading. Do not proceed if you don't like rambling. 

Yes. I said it. Maybe I'm weak. But stress is a major MAJOR thing I struggle with.

I'm a worrier. I worry when I know I did less than my personal best, although it may be tough to do your PB every single time. Scoff if you want, but I worry when I get 3/5 on a quiz when 8 quizzes cumulatively comprise 15% of my grade. I worry I get A- instead of As. It just bugs me.

I'm my harshest critic. I expect a lot from myself, and am hard on myself when I fail to deliver my expected results. My carelessness is the bane of my existence. I know this is REALLY dumb to most of you, but I cried when I got my first B+ in my college career. I deserved it though. It was a good wake up call. I hate feeling sub-standard and I work hard so I don't feel mad at myself when I see my grades because I know am perfectly capable of that A and the only reason for anything less is because I didn't work as hard as I was supposed to. 

My perfectionist attitude probably adds a great deal to my stress and worry. When I do feel this way, I try to keep this to myself or people I trust my life on, like my mom, and special folks, like X. Few people understand why i feel this way though. Many times, they think I'm just going on a limb to be overly dramatic or just don't get why an A vs A- mattered so much. Probably makes me seem pretty incompetent and weak.

But on a rare occasion. Some people do understand. They get me completely, and just know the right thing (does not mean sympathizing) to say to me to get me up and motivated again. A lot of times, the things are not easy to hear, but they help me put things into perspective, remind me not to worry about things I have no more control over, and to move forward and change the future. They are people I look up to for being through hard times themselves and for being amazing role models for me in terms of success, patience, kindness, love, selflessness, charity, financial stability, and for having that quiet self confidence. I adore them.

I remember X, a trusted friend, telling me once when I was extremely distraught: "Learning isn't always easy. There are challenges. But know that the uncomfortable challenges are there to help us strength and grow beyond our present to better ourselves. Without that discomfort and pain, we will never become better versions of ourselves. Take heart." 



I will never ever forget that. I miss the people in my life who truly, truly understand me. Today is one of the few days where I really really need a hug from someone who matters telling me "everything will be okay". 

It is in moments like these where I just have to toughen up and be strong for myself. Everything will be okay.  Be strong.

Sometimes I think God looks at me and goes. Oh ye of little faith. 

Isaiah 40:31
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint". 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

Perhaps He's trying to help me strengthen my faith.

I'm going to try my best. And I probably need to acquire a lot more faith. Please keep me in your prayers. I need it. 

Xoxo,
Nic