*Edit* Had to share this beautifully-written quote. I have an inkling that someday somewhere I will fall for someone who manages to do this...if they do manage to get past that (or a few) awkward first dates with me ;)
"It’s beautiful when you find someone that is in love with your mind. Someone that wants to undress your conscience and make love to your thoughts. Someone that wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you’ve built up around your mind and let them inside."
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As all single people do, I do go on dates from time to time. While I do enjoy the excitement of a date and meeting new people, I have to admit...dates give me minor anxiety. Don't get me wrong. We are always flattered when guys ask us out. It makes us feel good. (Thanks boys!) But sometimes, dates can be a little pressurizing. Stressful even. Let me explain...
In thinking of my post today, I thought of many reasons why dating is no bed of roses. But many of those were just excuses. Something I heard a friend quote in sacrament meeting today is so true:
"When
you really want to do something, you will find a way to do it; similarly, when you don't want to...you'll find any way and any excuse
not to do it."
He could have very possibly been speaking to me about dating...
***
But dating...is a different ball game for me. It's an area I have no expertize in. And an area I have come to realize, I will never have talent in. I'm hopelessly awkward...I mean, I am the girl who ignores people I would like to get to know better. FML. I am acutely aware this does not help anything but I can't help myself...someday someone will embrace my awkwardness. I use awkwardness around people I like to avoid this kind awkwardness:
And this is how I flirt. Basically negative flirting because I just go out of my way to ignore the person. Don't worry you aren't the worse dater out there! Ha.
As I have expounded on in my previous blog post on Service Operations....there is inherent variability in customers and providers of services. So you may be wondering:
"How does this apply to dating?!"
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***
Lets face it: A date is a service; a guy (date provider) can't go on a date without a yes from the girl (input from customer). We all know there is inherent variability in dating.
Perhaps you don't think about dating as a service operation as I do...but in same way we all have had good services and terrible I'm-never-coming-back-to-this-store kind of service, we have all had good and not-so-good dates.
Variability of dates are three-fold:
(i) The guy involved - The service provider.
No two people, or guys, are the same. People have different preferences, love languages, values, family upbringing, religion, interest, levels of affection, strengths and weaknesses, personality...etc These factors contribute to date variability which then impacts (ii) below:
Some guys are better planner than others.
However I believe ANY guy can be a good planner. Those guys who plan better are better planners because of effort, and practice.
Even I, the non-dater, have been on dates with guys on both ends of the spectrum. I have come to know, through my own experience, and through having very honest and reliable guy friends (thank you!) to know: Guys will put in effort for a girl they think is worth the effort.
I too have had my own experiences with that. If a I-don't-believe-in-big-romantic-gestures guy surprised me with the most thoughtful and romantic gestures (no it wasn't expensive), it is fair to say guys will do anything for a girl they truly love.
Isn't love a beautiful thing? :)
(iii) The customer - The datee
Just as different customers have different needs/wants to be fulfilled by a service provider, different girls (datee) have different expectations of a service provider.
Think about it. We are all different - that is not necessarily a bad thing. Think about how boring the world would be if we were all photocopies of each other! We are all different in the way we process information, think, what we value...and that very trait which makes getting to know everyone so fascinating, is exactly what makes dating so very frustrating (I feel your pain, guys).
***
Perhaps in order to filter out the inherent variability in choices (there are many many people out there), we establish criteria. We have types. Certain types of people who would be best suited, based on what they value, their priorities in life, financial situation, willingness to work/stay home, where they want to live, personality, hobbies etc.
Armed with this "strategy" we head out ready to find our "soulmate". In business, we discuss critical success factors. With regards to dating, this would be our "checklist" of criteria we want. However, we often forget the "secret sauce" when it comes to dating. What it boils down to. And that key ingredient is...chemistry :)
For some, this may be instant - "Love at first sight" / Love on first date
For others, this may take time - Friendship which blossoms into something more.
Me? Given my awkwardness and dating ignorance....I mean, I disregard people I want to get to know because I don't know what to say or don't want rumors to spread.....the latter works better.
I am a huge proponent of the Be-Friends-First, Then-Date policy.
Why?
It filters out variability in a way that works best for me.
Disclaimer: Everyone is different. This means that what works for me, may and probably won't work for everyone. I am suggesting this is a solution for me. Please don't take offense in this.
1. You get to scope them out before, because you got to know them as a friend. For me this means I get to truly know who they are. No pretenses, no trying hard to impress. Just them as they are.
2. Once you know someone as a friend, there is already a baseline to build upon. Interaction is less small talk, less awkward and possibly more chemistry. I mean you would probably only ask a friend out if there was more chemistry than should exist in a regular friendship, right? This filters out the awkwardness in dating!!!!!!!! Because of this I prefer to hang out before dating :) Dating good friends is so much less weird. Plus, if you start as friends, it isn't as tough to go back to being friends if things don't work out.
3. This in turn, will reduce rejection rate which means a higher dating success rate. I don't know about you, but the less people I have to seriously date the better. You share a lot of your life with someone whom you date.
Of course everyone is different. Forgive my dorky analyzing-dating-as-a-service-operations word barf. I'm amazed if you lasted this long!
***
My new resolution? Not cancel on dates. I'm terrible, and I am going to try not to chicken out and be more respectful. I'm going to really work on that. Please wish me luck. So, read the content with a (or many!) grain(s) of salt, and try not to judge me too much. I'm trying :) Going to treat it as making new friends instead and perhaps, just maybe, I won't be half as awkward...
P.S. I just talked to mom over the phone and she gave me dating tips over the phone! It's a little sad when your mom (who was out of the dating circuit for a few decades) gives you tips. But they were good...I'm going to try to be friendly and normal to people I want to get to know better. Just like normal people. Thanks mom :)
Hopefully, this won't happen. Although I would rather spend my life alone than get married if I can't find the imperfect person who is perfect for me. Call me an idealist...but it works for me.
The end.
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